Satya Murthy

Initiative pays. So does subservience. If you want to get in good with the big cheese, you’ve gotta be prepared to kiss some ass. These instructions will get you on the path to becoming a first class suck-up.

1. Find out where he or she takes his or her dry cleaning and pretend you live nearby. That way you can always say, “Hey, big guy/girl, I can drop something off at the cleaners if you want.”
2. Station yourself in the parking lot before and after work. If you’re the first and last person your manager sees every day, you’ll seep into his or her subconscious.
3. Eavesdrop on their conversations, then feed him or her back their ideas as if they were your own. He or she will think you can read his or her mind.
4. Offer to help him/her with some paperwork and do it somewhat often (but be sure to get your own done first!!!), because if it seems like you are willing to help him/her with the dullest of things, he or she will know that you are someone they can count on.
5. Stay late. If you don’t have anything to do, check up on your fantasy baseball stats, email your brother in Nome or buy that Bratz doll on Ebay. Just stay longer than anyone else consistently and your boss will notice the hard work.
6. Look busy. If you have no clue how to pull this off, mess up your hair, ruffle some papers and stare intently at your computer whenever the boss pops in. This will make it seem as though you are overworked and under paid, which is the way the boss likes it.
7. Pretend to work while eating lunch. If your boss is in for the day, get to your computer and type idly while chewing a Slim Jim. You’ll be scoring major points with Big Daddy while all the suckers are out to lunch.
8. Leave your desk a mess. This will put on the appearance of hard work while getting you out of remedial tasks such as filing or fetching donuts for the morning meeting.
   Compliment your boss at least twice daily. Phrases like, “Wow! I’ve never seen a hair piece with wings,” or “Your booty looks good enough to eat,” should be avoided. Instead, stick to simple compliments referring to their hair or weight.
9. Follow the boss around. A good rule of thumb is to keep an arm’s distance during your pursuit. This will keep you from running into Big Boss Man as you both weave through the cube farm. If your boss asks you what you’re doing, reply by saying “Your wish is my command.”
10. Laugh like you mean it. The next time the Head Honcho tells a joke, laugh like a mad pirate. If you’re close to a drink, have it come out your nose. These little stunts are sure to be remembered during yearly evaluations.